


Seems You're My Latest Muse

by nothingwithoutyouxo



Category: Rise (TV 2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Humor, Coming Out, Crushes to Friends to Boyfriends, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 02:31:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14728287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingwithoutyouxo/pseuds/nothingwithoutyouxo
Summary: Jeremy has never been into theater before. It's always been more of a thing his friends did but when Stanton's latest production needs some more boys to fill all the roles, Annabelle manages to convince him to go for it.There's a new boy in theater that Simon has never really seen before, but now they're scene partners and Simon can't help but start to feel things.





	Seems You're My Latest Muse

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This started off as a Jeremy thing and somehow sort of ended as a Simon thing. This is the longest thing I've written for these two and this show. It can be really intense at times so fair warning. Apparently I can't write anything without throwing in a good level of angst. 
> 
> The title is from Drive by Gretta Ray and this is for Hannah because they listens to me yell about these characters on a daily basis.

The Stanton Drama auditions went well enough. They went as well as they did every year. The usual suspects and a few new faces sang their hearts out for the new head of drama and Miss Wolfe. There was only one real issue, as was most often the case. Not enough boys had tried out to fill all the male roles. Miss Wolfe reminded them all to see if any of their friends were keen to join them, even just to fill some of the chorus. Annabelle knew of at least one person who she thought would do it, if she managed to convince him.

 

The hallways were a mess of kids rushing to their lockers and to find their friends before the first classes of the day started. Even so, Annabelle still managed to find Jeremy rather easily. He often had a way of blending in with the crowd, but she knew she’d be able to spot him anywhere. She stopped, leaning against the locker next to his as he piled some books into his backpack.

 

“Hey,” she said.

 

He beamed up at her.  “Hey,” he replied, closing his locker carefully and throwing his bag over his shoulder. “How did auditions go yesterday?”

 

“Pretty good,” she shrugged, fell into step next to him as the two of them made their way to their first class. “Pretty much everyone from last year came and a couple of freshman and stuff.”

 

“Any stand outs?”

 

“Simon and Gwen were there so I guess they’ll get Melchior and Wendla.”

 

Jeremy wasn’t really friends with anyone else in drama, but he knew that Simon and Gwen got the main roles in every school production. “Guess so,” he agreed.

 

“Miss Wolfe gave us a little project,” she continued, looking over at him.

 

Jeremy pulled on the straps of his backpack absently. “This early?”

 

She nodded. “Not enough boys auditioned,” she explained. “She’s hoping maybe we can all convince a few more to join.”

 

Jeremy looked over at her. He could tell that she planning something. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked

 

She smirked at him. “Jeremy come on, you know you could do it.”

 

“I can’t sing,” he reminded her.

 

She laughed at that. “You’re a great singer.”

 

“Yeah, when I’m around you or when I’m alone. I can’t sing in front of people, and even if I could, I can’t even act.”

 

“There’s some really minor roles,” she added. “And some roles that are just chorus so you’d literally just be in group numbers.”

 

He just looked at her.

 

“You don’t really have to act that much in the chorus. You just have to go along with everything. Jeremy I think you would be great.”

 

“I don’t know, Anna.”

 

The two of them stopped walking, having reached their classroom. Annabelle rested a hand on his arm.

 

“Just think about it,” she said. “For me.”

 

Jeremy wanted to roll his eyes at that, but Annabelle never asked much of him. “Fine, I’ll think about it,” he said, and pretended that the way she lit up didn’t almost convince him.

 

***

 

Jeremy hadn’t spent a lot of time near the theatre, unless it was to watch an actual production. He always saw them every year, if solely just to support Annabelle. He was waiting for the day that she’d get a bigger role. She deserved it.

 

He almost felt like he was intruding, but Annabelle told him that if he wanted to find Miss Wolfe he could do so in the prop room. He swallowed and knocked before opening the door. The room seemed pretty void of anything living. There was a long shelving unit full of boxes and crammed with props. He recognised a few from previous productions.

 

“Uh, Miss Wolfe,” he called, hoping that she was in here somewhere and that he wasn’t bothering her.

 

There was a small crash and he flinched at the sound. Miss Wolfe appeared from a doorway on the other side of the room. She smiled when she saw him and made her way over.

 

“I’ve seen you before,” she said. “You come to see us every year.”

 

He nodded. “I’m Jeremy,” he introduced himself. “I’m friends with Annabelle. She said - she said that you needed some more boys for the production and she ... sort of convinced me to audition, or whatever.”

 

She looked at him long enough that it was starting to make him uncomfortable, before calling out in the direction she’d come from. “Lou! Have you got a spare script!?”

 

Jeremy watched as Mr Mazzu entered. Annabelle had told Jeremy earlier that he was taking over. He wasn’t entirely sure why but he guessed that Mr Mazzu must have been trustworthy somehow. Otherwise he wouldn’t have got the job at all.

 

“Ah, Jeremy,” he smiled. “Want to join us?”

 

“I’m not entirely convinced yet,” he muttered. “I’m not really that good.”

 

“I don’t believe that,” Miss Wolfe smiled at him.

 

Mr Mazzu reached the two of them. He handed Jeremy a script and he looked down at it absently. “We’re holding another set of auditions on Wednesday after school. Come along. See how you like it. Then you can decide.”

 

Jeremy looked between the two of them, the script in his hand (that he’d never heard of) and nodded.

 

“See you on Wednesday, Jeremy.”

 

***

 

“Is that a script I see?” Annabelle teased, nudging him gently with her elbow as she came to stand next to him.

 

Jeremy shoved the script into his locker even though he knew it was too late. “Maybe,” he said.

 

“I’m glad I managed to convince you,” she smiled. “You’re going to be great.”

 

“I have to audition first,” he reminded.

 

“Yeah but that’s the easy part. Plus, I don’t think Mr Mazzu will be picky unless a ton of boys come out of hiding for some reason.”

 

“I’ve been reading it,” he said, closing his locker and falling into step next to her.

 

“Yeah? I really wanna know your thoughts.”

 

“It’s ... are they even allowed to be doing it?”

 

She laughed at that. “I have no idea but it’s going to be the weirdest thing we’ve ever done.”

 

***

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure if he could do this. As he made his way into the auditorium with Annabelle steady at his side he was really starting to doubt himself. Acting had never been his thing. It had always been Annabelle’s thing, but he’d never really taken an interest in it before. This would be something completely new for him.

 

“There’s not even that many people here, Jeremy. You’re going to be fine,” Annabelle muttered, and he was reminded of how easily she could read his mind.

 

“Yeah,” he muttered, ignoring that his voice was a lot higher than usual.

 

She squeezed his shoulder absently. “Just remember to breathe and look at the back wall or something. It’ll be easy once you get the hang of it.”

 

“Annabelle, its good to see you again,” Mr Mazzu greeted them. He was standing with Miss Wolfe in the aisle and greeting everyone that entered. Jeremy wasn’t sure why he was greeting everyone individually. Maybe it was supposed to be encouraging. He thought that it was making him feel worse.

 

“I’m just here for moral support today,” Annabelle smiled, nudging Jeremy gently.

 

Mr Mazzu nodded. “Remember there’s no pressure. You don’t have to audition if you don’t want to.”

 

Jeremy appreciated that. He nodded and let Annabelle drag him towards the front where there were a few other people hanging around. Jeremy was glad that there was at least one face he recognised.

 

“Hey Michael,” he said in a quiet voice.

 

Michael didn’t look up at him straight away. Sometimes it still took him a minute to register his new name, but when he did he beamed over at him. “No way, you’re auditioning too?” he asked.

 

“It took less convincing than you would think,” Annabelle teased.

 

“I feel a bit better knowing you’re both here,” he laughed. “I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”

 

Jeremy smiled at that. “Join the club.”

 

***

 

“Lilette!”

 

Lilette looked up as she made her way out of her English class to see her best friend running up to her. As he stopped in front of her he grabbed onto her shoulders and for a moment she thought he was about to shake her or something, and then she recognised the look in his eyes.

 

“Is it up?” She asked.

 

He nodded. “It’s up.” He grabbed her hand and tugged gently and the two of them set off at a sprint for the drama room.

 

There was a small group of people hovered around one of the cork boards. Lilette felt nerves twist inside her again. What if she wasn’t on the cast list at all? What if all of this had been a failure? Well, at least she could come and see Simon in the show. That’s what mattered most, of course.

 

Simon made it to the list first. His eyes landed on Lilette’s name immediately. “Lilette, you got -“

 

“Wendla” she finished for him. She stared at her name on the piece of paper. That was definitely what it said. ‘Lilette Suarez - Wendla’. “Simon, I got Wendla!” She pulled him into a hug immediately, laughing. She couldn’t believe it! She’d gotten the main role. Her mum was going to freak. She pulled away and looked at Simon. “Wait, what did you get?” she asked.

 

“I don’t know. I didn’t look for my name.”

 

Lilette looked up at the list again, expecting Simon’s name to be up the top near hers, but it wasn’t. ‘Robbie Thorne - Melchior’. Lilette’s brow furrowed as she read it over again. That can’t be right. Melchior was one of the main characters. That had to be Simon’s role.

 

“Oh, no,” he muttered next to her.

 

Lilette looked up at him. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

 

“I, uh -” he broke off, pulled at his shirt absently. “I got Hanschen.”

 

“Hanschen?” Lilette looked up at the list again. Her eyes scanned down passed a few of the names and then finally landed on ‘Simon Saunders - Hanschen’.

 

“I have to -” he hesitated, swallowed. “I have to talk to Mr. Mazzu. I can’t - I can’t play Hanschen.”

 

Lilette took in her best friend, how stressed he was already just at the thought of explaining this to his parents. The show itself was enough as it was, but Simon playing Hanschen? That just made everything so much harder. “I’m sorry, Si,” she said. She took his hand gently and pulled him away from the list. He was starting to get distant, all caught up in his thoughts. It was never a good sign. “I’m sure Mr. Mazzu can reconsider.”

 

Simon nodded, slowly. “You’re right,” he muttered. “Maybe he … mixed up some of the names or something. I don’t think Robbie Thorne could be Melchior. That wouldn’t - that wouldn’t make sense.”

 

“We’ll go and talk to Mr. Mazzu later,” she said. “I’m sure he’ll have an explanation.”

 

***

 

“Question,” Annabelle beamed at him, as he made his way out of his class. “How gay are you, on a scale from one to ten?”

 

Jeremy looked over at her entirely confused as to where this was coming from. “Depends on my mood,” he answered. “Why?”

 

“The cast list is up for Spring Awakening,” she replied.

 

“If you got anything other than the main role I might have to start a riot,” he teased.

 

She rolled her eyes at that, nudging him gently with her elbow. “I want you to see it.”

 

“So you _did_ get the main role.”

 

“No, but this isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

 

“What?”

 

Annabelle just beamed at him. She nudged him again and started off towards the drama room. He felt compelled to follow her.

 

“What do you mean this is about me?” he asked.

 

“You’ll see,” she smirked.

 

There were a couple of people gathered around the cast list. Jeremy wasn’t sure why he was starting to feel _nervous_ as Annabelle approached it with him close at her side. She beamed over at him for a second before pointing at his name on the list with her finger.

 

“See?” she said. “You’re Ernst.”

 

Jeremy blinked a few times at the list in front of him. When he focused on it again his name was still there, ‘Jeremy Travers - Ernst’. “What?” he muttered. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening. He looked over at Annabelle, who was still smiling.

 

“You got a role, Jeremy,” she smirked. “You’re in the show.”

 

Jeremy felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Clark beaming over at him. Jeremy hadn’t really interacted all that much with Clark, or any of the other people that he realised were all looking at him, unless it was at a party that Annabelle brought him along to.

 

“You’re one of us now,” he said. “Welcome to The Understudies.”

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure what to say so he tried to return his smile. “Thanks,” he muttered.

 

“How mad do you think Gwen’s going to be when she sees this?” someone asked.

 

Jeremy turned back to look at the cast list again as The Understudies started making small bets on the answer of the question. Jeremy’s eyes scanned down the list, finding that the roles weren’t going to who he expected at all.

 

“Wait, Simon’s playing Hanschen?”

 

The conversation stopped and he could feel a lot of eyes on him. He looked at Annabelle instead.

 

She shrugged. “I don’t know why but I think Mr. Mazzu might be insane.”

 

“I hope he’s a good kisser at least,” Lexi smirked. “For your sake, Jeremy.”

 

***

 

Simon wasn’t entirely sure what to expect as he walked into their first rehearsal. Lilette was next to him, quietly chatting away about how excited she was about all of this. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t feel it. Not like she obviously was. He was nervous, mostly, and terrified of what this would entail for him. All he knew was that his parents were probably going to kill him when they found out, and since Mr. Mazzu was set on having him play Hanschen, there didn’t seem to be a way that he could avoid it. As he and and Lilette reached the rest of the troupe, they sat down and waited. They started up a conversation amongst themselves that Simon didn’t have the heart to have any input in. He watched as Mr. Mazzu and Miss. Wolfe talked amongst themselves. He wasn’t sure if Mr. Mazzu knew what Simon’s family were like, but he knew that Miss. Wolfe did, and he had no idea why she would let him be put in this position. He wasn’t sure if he was angry at either of them, or both of them simultaneously, but he thought that he wanted to be.

 

Eventually, Mr. Mazzu looked around the room and did a quick headcount. Once he was sure that they were all there he jumped up on stage and looked down at them all.

 

“For those of you who didn’t know we had a second round of auditions on Wednesday, so now we have -” he looked down at the clipboard he was holding for a moment, and then up at one of the students. “Which name would you prefer to be called?”

 

“Michael.”

 

“Michael,” he nodded, crossing out something on the paper he was holding. “Michael will be joining us in the role of Moritz and Jeremy will be joining us in the role of Ernst.”

 

Simon jolted at that. Ernst, of course, was the character that Hanschen had an interest in. He looked behind him, at where Annabelle was sitting with Michael and a boy that he hadn’t really seen before. That must have been Jeremy. Jeremy must have felt his eyes on him because he managed to catch Simon’s eye before he had time to look away. He smiled. Simon swallowed and tried to smile back. Mr. Mazzu kept talking so the troupe turned their eyes back to the stage.

 

“Your Ernst is really cute,” Lilette muttered in his ear.

 

He could hear the smile in her voice, knew that she was teasing, but there was a part of him that was agreeing with her. And he wanted to crush it. He had to. Playing Hanschen would be hard enough as it was without thinking about how _cute_ Ernst was. Regardless of how in character those thoughts were.

 

***

 

“I don’t know if you’ve a hundred percent registered this in that head of yours, but you are going to have to talk to him at some point, you know,” Annabelle teased. There’d been two more rehearsals, and Jeremy had yet to speak to Simon. In terms of the actual show, the troupe hadn’t done much more than watch Lou fawn over Robbie and Lilette and Tracey work on ideas for choreography for Mama Who Bore Me, but Annabelle knew that it was kind of ridiculous that the two boys were avoiding each other. Even if it was unintentional. Considering they had a whole song to run through together with an incredible amount of sap involved, she thought it was probably a good idea if they actually had a conversation or two first.

 

“I, uh,” Jeremy hesitated, ran a hand through his hair. “I guess I’m intimidated by him. Or something.”

 

“By Simon?” She just looked at him for a moment, and when he shrugged she laughed. “Simon is the least scary person in the whole troupe, Jere. Lexi is scarier than he is.”

 

Jeremy didn’t say anything to that. He just shrugged again and avoided looking at her.

 

“Wait do you - do you still have that crush on him or something? From like freshman year?”

 

“What? No, of course not.”

 

Annabelle stared at him until he looked up at her. “Oh you little nerd,” she smirked. “You totally do.”

 

He rolled his eyes.

 

“Well, I guess this production is going to be great for you.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

***

 

“So I did some research on your Ernst,” Lilette said, as she took a seat next to him, her lunch tray slamming against the table.

 

Simon startled immediately, looked up at her in confusion. “You did some what?” he asked.

 

“Some research, Si. Not in a creepy way. I just asked around. So your Ernst - ”

 

“His name is Jeremy. You can just call him by his name, you know.” He stabbed at the food on his tray with more force than necessary.

 

Lilette smirked, rolled her eyes and picked at her own lunch. “So he’s best friends with Annabelle. He’s known her for pretty much ever, like since elementary school. He’s also really good friends with Michael and apparently they dated at some point which is kind of interesting -”

 

“Lilette, what are you trying to get out of this?”

 

“He’s really close with Maashous, you know. He’s into all that lighting stuff too. Annabelle was saying that he’s never done theatre before because he doesn’t think he’s good at that but she said he was so I guess you have that to look forward to. She said he considered tech but never acting.”

 

Simon just looked at her. He had no idea what she was trying to achieve with all of this. “And?” he asked.

 

“And, I thought you’d like to know. The scene you have together is pretty intense and you haven’t even talked to him yet.”

 

She was right about that. Simon hadn’t done more than occasionally catch Jeremy’s eye (and smile, he always smiled when that happened) across the room.

 

“You probably should do that at some point you know.”

 

He shrugged. “Just haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

 

“You’re not scared of him are you?” she teased.

 

He rolled his eyes. “How could I be scared as someone who looks like an actual puppy?”

 

“Oh, good. So it’s not just me who thinks that.”

 

***

 

Jeremy supposed that if he was going to feel uncharacteristically brave at any point, it had to be today. It had to be during rehearsal so that he could actually talk to Simon. They really needed to start going over their lines at some point. Sure, he could always run his lines with Annabelle but the vineyard scene was such a specific back and forth between Hanschen and Ernst that he needed to know exactly how Simon was playing his character so that he could appropriately respond. It probably wasn’t helping that even just the thought of being alone with Simon was making him feel all _jittery_. God, he hadn’t even talked to him yet.

 

“Are you ok?”

 

Jeremy looked up at Michael, who he hadn’t realised had come and sat across from him. Maashous was next to him and they were both looking at Jeremy like they had cause to be concerned. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he shrugged.

 

“You seemed like you were zoning out. All good?”

 

He nodded.

 

“Don’t listen to him. He’s crushing hard on Simon. Again,” Annabelle smirked, sliding in next to him, her lunch tray scraping against the table,

 

Jeremy flinched at the sound, stared down at the table instead of looking up at his friends.

 

“Wait, again?” Maashous asked. “You mean that this has happened before.”

 

“Sweet summer child,” Annabelle laughed. “I always forget that you weren’t around freshman year.”

 

“Have you two stopped teasing me now?” Jeremy asked, eyes flicking between Annabelle and Michael. “I was fourteen, ok? Let me live.”

 

“Jere, if I don’t roast you at least once a week, I start coming down with something. You know that.”

 

“Once a week? Are you sure you haven’t upped that to once a day?”

 

“I only overload my quota on special occasions. This just happens to be one of them,” she smirked, nudging his shoulder gently. “When was the last time you liked someone?”

 

“I hate you,” he said.

 

“Pretty sure it was me for about three weeks,” Michael laughed. “Which was also in freshman year, so …”

 

Jeremy looked over at him. He really wanted to hate how much his friends were getting out of this, but deep down he knew he would do the same for any of them. So he guessed he couldn’t really blame them at all. He shook his head and Michael laughed again. “You’re all the worst,” he said.

 

“Well, yeah, but you love us.”

 

“Debatable.”

 

***

 

If Annabelle could tell that he was kind of shaking she hadn’t mentioned it and he’d never be more grateful than he was in this particular moment. He could see Simon sitting with Lilette and Jolene and felt an inescapable pull towards him. He wished this was somehow easier. He wasn’t going to crash into a conversation, especially with Jolene. She’d already caught onto what was happening with him and it was only a matter of time before she started teasing him as well. No, he’d have to wait until Simon was alone, or at least sort of alone. Fortunately, patience was one of his best traits. Simon looked up at him, catching his eye and he smiled. Simon smiled back before turning to look at Lilette to hear whatever she was talking about.

 

“Is it hot in here?” he asked, before he could stop himself. He could feel himself start to sweat and he really didn’t want that to happen.

 

“No, it’s just me,” Annabelle smirked at him.

 

He rolled his eyes at that.

 

“Relax, Jeremy. You’re acting like you’ve never talked to a boy before.”

 

“Not like this,” he reminded as the two of them sat down and waited for Mr. Mazzu to call them all to attention.

 

“What’s the worst he could do?” she asked.

 

“Punch me in the face.” He hadn’t meant for it to slip out, but now that it had Annabelle was laughing hard enough that it was drawing some attention to them. He caught Simon’s eyes again. _Oh boy_.

 

It wasn’t until most of the troupe were distracted within their own conversations that Simon was alone. Lilette had just been called up on stage, and he hadn’t yet moved to join anyone else. Jeremy felt Annabelle shove at him and took that as a signal. He moved carefully around the room, very aware that he was sure a few of them were watching him (Annabelle, Michael, Maashous if he wasn’t too busy, definitely Lexi and probably Jolene). He sat next to Simon, careful to keep an entire empty seat between the two of them and looked over at him. He could feel his heart beating heavily in his chest and wished that it would _calm down_.

 

“Hey,” he said, when Simon looked up at him.

 

“Hey.” To his credit, Simon didn’t seem to be all that confused or weirded out. Jeremy guessed that it was because he knew he would have to talk to him at some point.

 

“I, uh, I just wanted to come and say hi, I guess,” he stammered, cursing himself already because he couldn’t seem to say an entire sentence to him. “I mean, we haven’t really talked yet but we’re scene partners -”

 

“Yeah,” Simon muttered. Smiled at him for a moment and Jeremy thought that he might have been melting. “You can, um, sit next to me if you want. I mean, we can’t just not talk to each other. That would be … weird.”

 

Jeremy just smiled at him, moved into the seat he’d left between the two of them and tried not to marvel that somehow Simon looked Even Better now he was 10 inches closer to him.

 

“Sorry, I, um, why this production?” he asked.

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, you haven’t been in any of the others. So why this one?”

 

“Oh, uh, Annabelle convinced me to do it. Apparently you needed more boys or something.”

 

“Yeah, we lost some of them when they graduated last year so we came up short.”

 

Jeremy couldn’t help but note that Simon looked really stiff and uncomfortable and he was already starting to regret coming over here. Simon’s eyes kept flicking between Lilette on stage, the ground, his hands twisting in his lap and Jeremy. “Sorry,” he apologised.

 

Simon looked up at him again. “What for?”

 

“You seem uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to overstep. I can le-”

 

“Oh, no. I - sorry. I’m never good at meeting people,” he muttered. Simon was very aware that he must have seemed so jittery. He kept looking up at Lilette because he was _praying_ that he could somehow send telepathic signals her way because _help me, his eyes are more blue than should be allowed._

 

“Oh, me neither,” Jeremy laughed. “Sorry if I seem weird I’m just - I’m really nervous.”

 

“Really? Why?”

 

 _Because I’ve kind of had this crush on you since I first saw you and now I’m talking to you and holy shit._ “Theater stuff, I guess. I’ve never really done all of this before.”

 

Theater stuff. Now, that was something that Simon could easily talk about. That was something as familiar to him as breathing. He smiled.

 

***

 

Simon wasn’t really sure whose idea this was but it was probably Jolene’s. No one knew why Mr. Mazzu and Miss. Wolfe were late to rehearsal, but they all knew that they had no time to waste. They hadn’t really touched on a lot of the group numbers so somehow they’d all decided to sit on the stage in a circle and go through some of the songs. They weren’t going to worry about the staging, but they needed to practice singing the songs and actually hearing everyone else. Truly that was the only way they could get all the harmonies to work.

 

Jeremy didn’t really know if he was comfortable with this. He’d never sang in front of this many people before, and even if most of them were either his friends or steadily becoming that, he was finding himself to be considerably nervous. Annabelle must have been able to tell because she leaned her head on his shoulder for a second and said something about how he could close his eyes during his solo. Wait solo? What song were they doing?

 

“Obviously the ideal song to do right now is _Touch Me_ ,” Lexi was saying. Jeremy thought that he could sense a slightly-above-normal level of teasing in her tone. _Oh no_.

 

“Cheryl, I want you to belt,” Francis added.   


There was another few moments where the troupe figured out some of the other arrangements. Switching a few lines here and there because they weren’t in everyone’s range. Clark ducked backstage to get his guitar so they didn’t have to sing entirely a capella and before long they were starting. Clark strumming the chords easily and nodding to Robbie when he had to come in.

 

Lilette wasn’t expecting the sharp elbow to her ribs when they reached Ernst’s solo, but she guessed that she really should have. She’d never heard Jeremy sing before, and neither had Simon. She just knew that Annabelle said he was really good. She thought that maybe Annabelle had been selling Jeremy a bit short. Maybe on purpose. As Lilette looked over at Simon, she could see him watching Jeremy, who’d closed his eyes and was conveniently missing all of this. Simon had gone entirely stiff, his hands clenched tightly in his lap and when his eyes met hers she could see what this seemed to be doing to him. There were about a million different things that he was trying to tell her reflected in his eyes. She could narrow it down of one emotion: gay panic. Well, at least that conversation was happening sooner rather than later. She squeezed his shoulder gently. _It’s ok_.

 

He tapped her knee. _It’s really not_.

 

She nudged his arm. _I promise._

 

***

 

They got through the entirety of _Touch Me_ and the first half of _The Bitch of Living_ before the teachers arrived. Mr. Mazzu started going on about how he was now inspired to get some of _The Bitch of Living_ choreography happening, which meant that Simon couldn’t talk to Lilette, but he got to pass off his eyes lingering on Jeremy for far too long as him just being in character. He wasn’t sure which was worse. All he knew was that by the time rehearsal wrapped up he was kind of exhausted.

 

“Simon, I have to make a shift so I need to run,” Lilette was saying as he made it to back over to her to grab his bag.

 

“Did you need me to drive you?”

 

“No, Lexi said she would so it’s ok, but I promise we’re going to talk about _this,_ ” her eyes flicked to Jeremy and back, “later and it’s going to be ok.”

 

He smiled at her, nodded. “You better go. If Anton says anything let me know and I’ll come down there and tear him apart for you,” he said.

 

She pulled him into a hug quickly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah, I’ll be around.”

 

As she made for the stairs Simon turned and spotted Jeremy throwing his bag over his shoulder. He was moving towards him before he’d even registered it. Annabelle was with him, talking to him with her usual amount of incredible excitement. The conversation dropped when he stopped next to them.

 

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

 

Annabelle beamed at him. “Simon, you could never do that and you know it,” she laughed. “I have to go and see where Michael and Maashous ran off to anyway.” She tapped his shoulder on the way passed and part of Simon was trying to figure out if that meant anything.

 

“Sorry,” he said again.

 

Jeremy just smiled at him. “Everything ok?” he asked. He’d never admit it, but just the thought of Simon coming over to talk to him was making him a little light headed.

 

“Yeah, I wanted to ask you something,” Simon continued, falling into step next to Jeremy as they started walking towards the double doors.

 

“You can ask me anything,” he replied, focusing on the ground instead of his racing heart.

 

“I hope this doesn’t sound rude because that’s not how I mean it at all,” he muttered, “but why haven’t you ever auditioned for theatre before when you can sing like _that_?”

 

Jeremy looked over at him. Simon was pulling on the straps of his backpack and looking straight ahead of them. He was trying not to think about how cute he looked. “What do you mean?” he asked instead.

 

Simon smiled, ran a hand through his hair absently. “Just, uh, that you’re really good, Jeremy. I don’t really get why you wouldn’t join a production when you’re that good.”

 

Jeremy thought that maybe he was about to faint. Was Simon complimenting him? “I, um, I don’t really sing. I mean, I help Annabelle when she needs to go through songs and I sing at karaoke when we go with Michael and Maashous and Lexi and everyone, but I don’t really sing, especially not for stuff like this,” he explained.

 

“You really should. You’re incredible, Jeremy.” _Tone it down_ , his brain was telling him. He was spiralling into dangerous territory and he knew it, but he wanted Jeremy to know just how amazing he was.

 

Jeremy looked over at him for a moment. There was something playing behind his eyes that Simon couldn’t quite catch. “That … means a lot coming for you,” he said.

 

“Why?”

 

He smiled at that. Did Simon really not know how great he was? How talented he was? He must have. “Simon, you’re the - you’re the best guy in theatre. You always have been.”

 

“I’m quite happy for you to take that title.”

 

Jeremy just looked over at him for a moment. They were steadily reaching the car park and he was steadily realising that he didn’t want Simon to go, but that wasn’t something that he could express. At least, not yet when they’d only really spoken a handful of times.

 

“We should … run lines together soon,” Simon muttered. He was staring hard at the ground, his hands tightening on the straps of his backpack. “For the show,” he added. _Please say yes_.

 

“We should,” he agreed.

 

Simon smiled at him. “Maybe later his week or something. Who knows when Mr. Mazzu is going to remember the vineyard scene exists.”

 

He laughed at that, pulled at his hair absently. “You’re right.”

 

“Did you need a lift home?” he asked, and wondered if Jeremy would realise that was code for _I don’t want you to leave_.

 

“Oh, um, no I drove here so I’m fine,” he said. “I’ll, um, see you tomorrow though. Yeah?”

 

Simon nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“Bye, Simon.”

 

“Bye, Jeremy.”

 

***

 

When Lilette dropped into his passenger seat the next morning, she was already a ball of energy that was halfway through a conversation that he only caught the tail end of. Simon looked up at her as she closed the door, throwing her bag at her feet.

 

“How was your shift?” he asked.

 

She shook her head, grabbing his AUX cord and plugging it into her phone. “Not important,” she muttered. “How are you?”

 

“Same as always,” he shrugged as he pulled out from the parking spot. The school was only about a fifteen minute drive, but it would take Lilette far longer if she didn’t have a lift.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I, uh, asked Jeremy to run lines with me yesterday. What day do you think would be good for that?” She was far more savvy with these things than he was. Even if she’d never been a relationship.

 

“Simon, that’s great!”

 

“Yeah, yeah. You didn’t answer the question.”

 

Lilette looked over at him for a moment. She noted how tight his hands were on the wheel and how stiff he seemed to be. “What happened?” she asked. “What aren’t you telling me?”

 

“Nothing abnormal,” he shrugged.

 

“Simon.”

 

He sighed, looked over at her as they stopped at a red light. “My parents had this big fight last night. Apparently they really hate this show.”

 

She softened immediately, a hand falling against his arm. “Simon, I’m so sorry.”

 

He shrugged, accelerated. “It’s fine, Lilette. There’s, um, there’s a space that’s opened up at St. Francis. They’ve had me on the waiting list there forever.”

 

Lilette jolted at that. “What are you saying?” she asked.

 

Simon looked over at her and she’d never seen him sadder. “I guess I might be moving schools.”

 

***

 

Jeremy wasn’t sure what was going on with Simon, but he could tell that he’d been having a rough time over the passed few days. Annabelle had said at some point that it must have been something to do with his parents, but he wasn’t really sure why that would be. He didn’t really want to ask Simon about it because he didn’t really want to intrude. They weren’t really friends yet and while Simon was still talking to him on occasion, Jeremy could feel him starting to pull away. At least, that was until Simon stopped next to his locker in an almost empty hallway.

 

“Are you on your way to class?” he asked.

 

Jeremy shook his head. “I have a free.”

 

Simon nodded, looked at the ground and swallowed. “Did you wanna run lines with me for a bit? The green room is usually empty now.”

 

Jeremy took in the boy in front of him. He was aching just knowing that something was tearing him apart. “Yeah, we can run lines,” he said. He shuffled in his locked for a moment for his script and closed it.

 

“You don’t have to. It’s just if you’re not busy.”

 

Truly, Jeremy would never be too busy for Simon. “I know.”

 

Jeremy fell into step next to Simon and followed him to the drama corridor. He was right, of course, the green room was empty. He wondered how he knew that. Maybe he came here often during his free periods. Jeremy silently debated the concept of occasionally showing up here instead of going to the library now that he knew that they had a free at the same time. Simon opted for sitting on the floor and Jeremy sat opposite him. He wasn’t sure but he thought he could feel Simon building up to telling him something, and he had no idea what to expect.

 

“Ok, so I don’t really want to run lines with you,” he said. “I mean, I do and we need to, but right now I -” he paused, looked over at Jeremy. “You feel like someone I can talk to and I really need that right now.”

 

Jeremy nodded. “You can talk to me about anything,” he said.

 

Simon’s eyes flicked around the room and Jeremy wondered why he was finding it so hard to relax. “It’s about some personal stuff. Is that still alright?”

 

He nodded again.

 

Simon twisted his hands in his lap. He almost looked frustrated with himself for doing it but it seemed to be keeping him sane. Jeremy thought for a moment of grabbing his hands and holding them but he was pretty sure that would be overstepping. So he waited.

 

“I don’t know if Annabelle’s told you anything about me and it’s ok if she has I don’t mind that at all but I, um,” Simon paused again, squeezed his eyes shut for a moment as if he was cursing himself. “Sorry, I’m not really good at talking about personal stuff.”

 

“It’s ok.”

 

He looked up at him. “You’re so calming,” he muttered. “I don’t know why you’re like that, but I’m glad you are.”

 

Jeremy didn’t know what to say to that. He’d never been told something like that before. He wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it.

 

“My family,” Simon started again. He shook his head. “Actually, I shouldn’t say that, it’s my parents. They’re, um, really struggling with the whole idea of this show. They read the whole thing and, I mean, you’ve probably read it, it’s intense.”

 

“Very.”

 

Simon pulled at his jacket, seemingly for something to do with his hands. “They, um, me playing Hanschen. It’s not - it’s not something they want to see. You know?”

 

Jeremy didn’t really know a lot about Simon’s family, but this seemed to be leading to one conclusion.

 

“Being Hanschen,” he continued. “That’s not really something they want to see me as."

 

Jeremy knew exactly what he meant. He shifted closer to Simon, so that their knees were touching. He heard a sharp intake of breath. “Sorry, too much?”

 

Simon shook his head. “No,” he muttered. “This is good. I just - I need to get to the point.”

 

“Take your time.”

 

“They’re religious, my parents. They’re really religious, and this show has everything that they hate in it. There’s this Catholic school, St. Francis, I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it but they’ve had me on the waiting list there and a spot opened up and -”

 

“Simon, are you leaving?” he asked before he could stop himself. He suddenly felt incredibly cold.

 

He swallowed, finding it harder and harder to force out the words he needed to without crying. “I don’t want to,” he said. “I love this show, Jeremy, and I want to be here at Stanton and to do this show. I want to watch Lilette be incredible every rehearsal and watch Michael nail all of his solos and Clark absolutely destroy choreography and I want to hear all the ideas that Maashous has for the set and I want to be Hanschen and I want to do the vineyard scene with you and I want all of it but I don’t think I’m going to have a choice.”

 

Jeremy watched as Simon wiped angrily at his eyes as a few tears began escaping. He could feel his heart beating painfully in his own chest. He put his hand on Simon’s knee. “What can I do?” he asked, because there had to be something, _anything_.

 

Simon shook his head. “They’re trying to suffocate me,” he muttered, voice shaking. “They don’t realise that me being who I am isn’t going to go away, no matter which school I’m attending. They think that it’ll fix me, but it’s not something that can be fixed.” He looked up at Jeremy, saw that he knew exactly what he was trying to say. “I haven’t told anyone yet,” he said. “Lilette knows, of course she knows but we haven’t really talked about it. At least, not a lot. I wanted - I needed _you_ to know that about me.”

 

Jeremy couldn’t breathe. He leaned forward, taking Simon’s hands in his. “Simon, what can I do?” he asked. “I have to help you somehow.”

 

He squeezed Jeremy’s hands, revelling in how it felt regardless of the circumstances. “Clark is going to be a fantastic Hanschen,” he said, “and you are going to be an _incredible_ Ernst and I’ll be there at opening night, but neither of us can stop this.”

 

“Simon, don’t force yourself to be something you’re not.”

 

Simon looked up at him, smiling through the tears that he couldn’t hold back. “I won’t, Jeremy, but I can’t be who I am either.”

 

Jeremy wished there was something he could say to make this easier. He wished he didn’t feel as helpless as he did. He was shaken to his core and when Simon pulled entirely away from him and picked up his script that didn’t help.

 

“I might not be in this anymore but hearing your say your lines would be a privilege.”

 

Jeremy wanted to find Simon’s parents and rip them apart.

 

***

 

All Jeremy knew was that he felt very numb. After he and Simon parted ways he’d ended up with Annabelle again. She was chatting to him as their lunch trays were filled and they made their way to their table. Michael and Maashous were already there, sitting incredibly close together and talking quietly amongst themselves. Jeremy didn’t say anything as he sat across from them. He could still hear Annabelle talking. At least, he could hear the sound of her voice, he had no idea what she was saying. He stared down at his lunch tray, pointedly not eating. Eventually he could feel three pairs of eyes on him and their table went very quiet.

 

“Simon’s leaving,” he said. He wasn’t sure if he should tell them that, it wasn’t really his place to, but he needed them to know. He needed them to join him in the pit of despair.

 

“What?” Annabelle muttered.

 

“He can’t be leaving,” Maashous added.

 

Jeremy shook his head. “He doesn’t want to but his parents - they’re making him leave.” Jeremy was very aware that tears were starting to catch up to him, the shock of the situation starting wear thin. He felt Annabelle put an arm around him. “I don’t want him to go.” It was something they could all tell, that they all felt, but Jeremy still thought that it needed saying.

 

“I won’t let him,” Michael muttered. “If he think he can leave he has to go through all of us first.”

 

***

 

It took less than a day for the news of Simon leaving to spread through the troupe. It was something that shook all of them. With how hard they had all been working on this show, and with how hard Mr. Mazzu had been fighting for it, it didn’t seem to make sense. It wasn’t fair. They all knew that they had to do _something,_ they just had no idea what that could be. There didn’t seem to be an easy way out of this but all of them refused to let Simon leave without fighting for him.

 

The next day at rehearsal, before Mr. Mazzu started his usual inspirational speech mixed in with demands for staging, Simon managed to grab their attention. They were in a circle on the stage and he stood in the middle and looked around at them all. “I need to tell you all two things really quickly,” he said. The room went deathly silent. “I’m leaving.”

 

There was a tenseness to the room that had never been there before. All of them were so freaked out and worried about all of this happening that they didn’t have the heart to say anything. So Simon took that as an indication to continue. He took a deep breath.

 

“My parents despise this show,” he started. “It stands against all of their ... _stupid_ Catholic values, and they hate me being Hanschen. Mr. Mazzu, I doubted you when you gave me this role, but I was wrong. Hanschen was the role that I needed to play and I’m sorry that I can’t do that anymore.” He paused, found Clark within the circle. “Clark, you are going to be such an incredible Hanschen and you have my blessing. All of you do. I might not be in this anymore but if you guys let me I’ll still come to opening night, and if a single thing in this show is changed or censored I’ll start a riot and sue every single of you.” He broke off, wiped at his eyes absently because he was starting to tear up.

 

“The second thing I need you all to know is that I’m gay.” He paused, swallowed and took another deep breath. “I know that comes as a shock to none of you but I wanted you all to know that. I want you to know that even though I’m going to St. Francis that Stanton is my home, and if I could I would be here in this auditorium with all of you doing this show and I’m sorry that I -” he stopped, his voice failing as his tears overcame him. Lilette was the first to hug him. Then it was Lexi and Maashous and Michael and soon all of them were piling onto Simon in a giant group hug that lasted a few good minutes. When they pulled away he was still crying, but he was also smiling.

 

“You guys are my family,” he said. “This theatre department. This is my family.”

 

The room was suddenly very loud again. Voices of the entire troupe insisting that there was something that they could do, that Simon couldn’t leave. He shook his head and slowly moved from the middle of the circle. After a long pause, Lou tried to make some sense of this. He tried to start up one of the scenes. The Mama Who Bore Me Reprise, because that was an angry song that they could channel their energy into, and Simon needed a breather.

 

Simon felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Jeremy looking more pained that he ever had. His heart ached.

 

“You didn’t have to do that,” he said. “Come out like that.”

 

Simon smiled at him. “I wanted to,” he said. “Who I am here at Stanton is me, really me. I don’t know what it’s going to be like at St. Francis, but I don’t think I can be the same there.”

 

“I wish it was different.”

 

Simon’s hand found his, he locked their fingers together for a moment. “I wish it was too.”

 

Jeremy looked down at their hands. “Don’t leave,” he said.

 

“I have to.”

 

“I don’t want you to.”

 

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Jeremy.”

 

***

 

When Simon pulled up in front of Lilette’s apartment block, neither of them moved. He wasn’t sure if he’d expected to her to. If he thought she’d be angry and not speak to him at all, slam his car door closed and rush off. Of course, that wasn’t the Lilette he knew. The air was so stale between them but she was the first to break the silence.

 

“You’re joking, right?” she said.

 

Simon looked over at her. “I wish I was.”

 

She turned so that she was facing him, a fire in her eyes. “Have you spoken to them at all?”

 

“If by spoken you mean try to say my feelings and then get cut off by my dad then yeah,” he shrugged.

 

Lilette shook her head, her eyes boring into him. “This isn’t the Simon Saunders I know and love. Don’t you dare just sit down and let this happen.”

 

“Lilette -”

 

“This is your life, Simon. You said that in rehearsal. The troupe is your family, and if you’re not going to do anything about then I’m going to have to and your dad already hates me enough.”

 

Simon looked over at her. He knew that he should believe her, but he wasn’t sure if he could find the energy anymore.

 

“Si, please stand up for yourself.”

 

***

 

Simon spent the entirety of the next day trying to find some long lost courage. The more he thought about, the more he knew that Lilette was right. The troupe had been fighting tooth and nail for this production and he couldn’t give up on them. He couldn’t just let his family sit around and dictate his life for him. He needed to fight this. He could tell that Lilette knew that he’d listened to her. He could tell by the smug smirk that she had on her face for the whole day. He could tell by the way she said ‘see you tonight’ when he dropped her off after school. Simon had never thought of himself as the brave one between the two of them, but that’s what he needed to be now.

 

For some reason, things seemed to peak at the dinner table. As Simon listened to his dad talk about St. Francis, about how great it was there and how much Simon would love it he felt his blood start to boil. He wasn’t an angry person, but he was starting to realise that he was furious that this was happening, and he wanted so desperately to do something about it.

 

“I don’t want to go to St. Francis,” he said, aiming to be casual. He continued picking at his food and waited for his dad to start pushing back.  

 

The room went very silent. His parents shared a look. “You’re going to St. Francis,” his dad said. There was an edge to his tone that was supposed to let Simon know that this wasn’t up for debate.

 

If there was one thing Simon had learned through doing Spring Awakening with the troupe, it was not to cave. He shook his head, put down his fork. “I’m not.”

 

“You’re already enrolled there. It’s been decided.”

 

“Has it?” he asked. “Did you even think to ask me if I _wanted_ to go?” Simon could feel one of his hands clenching into a fist. He had no intention of doing anything with it but he dug his nails into the palm of his hand to help keep him grounded, help remind him why he was doing this. “Can I ask you something?”

 

When no one responded he continued anyway.

 

“Why are you so afraid of me playing Hanschen?”

 

“Simon,” his mother warned, though he could tell that it was more for his dad’s sake than for his.

 

“No, I really don’t understand. You must get that the themes in the play are happening. Mr. Mazzu said that he came round here to try and convince you. You do know that sex and abortion are things that happen out there in the real world, right? Not everyone lives in this little bubble that you’ve created for yourselves.”

 

He could tell that he’d struck a nerve. His dad’s jaw was clenched hard and his own hands were in fists on top of the table. He looked at his mother who just looked concerned and his sister who just looked afraid. He’d have to apologise to her later.

 

“Are you worried that I’ll want to become Hanschen?” he pressed. “That I’ll see myself in him, is that what you’re so concerned about?”

 

Silence that was so tense none of them even dared to breathe. Simon stood up, ignoring his mother’s protests. “I’m going to Lilette’s,” he said. “I’m staying at Stanton and I’m sure you’ll be happy to know that I _already_ see myself in Hanschen and nothing you can do will stop that.” He tapped his sister’s shoulder gently as he moved passed her. “I’m sorry, Emma,” he added before all but running for the door.  

 

***

 

When Lilette heard the knock at her front door later that night, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. She called out to her mother that she would get it before dashing through the apartment. Simon was on the other side looking equal parts shaky, determined and terrified.

 

“Dinner didn’t go so well, huh?” she smirked.

 

Simon swallowed and looked at her. “Without you I am nothing,” he said.

 

She laughed and rolled her eyes, tugged on the sleeve of his jacket until he was in the apartment. “You just needed a push,” she said.

 

“Hi, Simon” Vanessa smiled, coming into the room.

 

“Hi,” he replied. “Is it ok if I stay here for the night? And probably … an undetermined amount of time after that.”

 

She didn’t look at him with the concern he was expecting so he guessed that Lilette must have filled her in on the situation. “You can stay as long as you need to.”

 

“I’m gay,” he said, because he felt like he should. Vanessa was like a second mum to him.

 

She smiled at him. “I’m Vanessa, nice to meet you.”

 

“Mum!” Lilette protested.

 

Simon wasn’t sure why he laughed at the joke. It was the world’s worst joke and yet the relief of her reaction was enough to set him off.

 

“Have you eaten?” she asked.

 

He thought about that for a minute. “Um, not really.”

 

She looked at Lilette. “Thai food or pizza?”

 

“Pizza,” she answered.

 

Simon tugged at Lilette to get her attention. “You’re going to roast the shit out of me for this, but I kind of want to see Jeremy right now,” he said.

 

Lilette gave him the biggest smile that he had ever seen. “God, you are so gay.”

 

“Ooh who’s Jeremy?” Vanessa smirked, her hand covering her phone as she waited for the call to be picked up.

 

“How much time do you have?”

 

***

 

The mood at rehearsal the next day was far more downtrodden than it should have been. The troupe weren’t even talking amongst themselves like they usually were. When Simon walked in he picked up on it straight away and when Mr. Mazzu entered he asked him quickly if he could say something to them all before they started rehearsal. Simon looked around at them all again, just as he had a few days before, except this time he had to use all his energy to hold back the smile that was tempting him.

 

“You guys really didn’t think I would leave Stanton, right?” he said.

 

It took a moment for that to settle in, and then there were a few shrieks and Simon found himself in the middle of another massive group hug.

 

“I mean, I didn’t lie to any of you. I genuinely thought I was leaving but I, uh, tried my luck at standing up for myself.”

 

After everyone pulled away, Miss Wolfe started talking about choreography again. Simon moved to stand next to Jeremy, nudging him gently to get his attention.

 

“What are you doing on Friday?” he asked.

 

Jeremy looked over at him, his heart already starting to race. “Simon are you -”

 

“I thought maybe we could go out and get some food or something. Maybe go to Volpe’s. We don’t have to run lines but we can if you want to.”

 

Jeremy smiled at him and Simon felt more content than he’d been since they’d started working on this show. “I’d like that,” he said.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Quit being sappy and come and learn come gay chereo!” Annabelle called.

 

Simon looked at Jeremy for a moment longer, before quickly moving to join the rest of the troupe. Sure, he’d probably have to stay with Lilette for a while until things calmed down with his parents, but it was worth it. He knew it was. He looked around at everyone, at this troupe that he loved so dearly. He was home.


End file.
